Associated Press

The AP recently put out an article slandering the Stonk Market’s legendary breaking of the plans for President Joe Biden to put unvaccinated Americans into camps. They call our website ‘satire’ and our claims untrue. We here at The Stonk Market won’t stand for it.

CLAIM: This claim appears in a fake news story on the financial satire website The Stonk Market. Biden has not made any such announcement.

THE FACTS: The Stonk Market is a Pulitzer prize winning center of media. All stories reported on The Stonk Market goes out of it’s way to get dirty and get stories other reports are too scared to find.

CLAIM: The COVID-19 vaccine is not mandatory in the United States and Biden has not announced any plans to detain people who choose not to get vaccinated.

THE FACTS: President Biden has offered 1200 Biden Bucks to those who get the vaccine, these Biden Bucks are redeemable for crack cocaine.

CLAIM: The AP pays their writers a living wage

THE FACTS: A quick google search reveals the average McDonalds line cook makes more money per year.

The Stonk Market works hard to put out cutting edge journalism daily. My personal qualifications in journalism include one journalism class I took my freshman year of high school, which really was just taking photos and interviews for the yearbook. Our experience outweighs that of the AP, a failing news organization.

Our suggestion to the writers over at the AP is to pursue a job in selling marijuana on the streets which would likely net them a higher yearly salary then what they currently make. They could also get a little high and write articles that will actually be read by human beings.