Empty Mall
Source: originally posted to Flickr as Hunky, Author Justin Cozart

Midland – Mall owners across the nation have teamed up with big oil to turn empty malls into storage units for unwanted barrels of oil.  “This is a win-win situation,” oil huckster Ralph Breitbart stated.  “There are millions of barrels of oil being produced per day without a home.  Using empty malls as storage units has resulted in contango for us and higher funds from operation (“FFO”) for these deserted malls.

The current economic landscape looked bleak for mall owners.  Structurally, the mall business model is obsolete.  “People just don’t shop at mall like they used to,” mall economic expert Henry Walton said.  “Back in my day I used to hook up with chicks at the mall after school.  These days people are using some app called Snapchat for ‘hookups’.”

Mall vacancy rates were at all all-time high.  Then this virus hit essentially closing malls until further notice.

“Literally no one wants to be at or in a mall,” Karen Smith, local mall owner in Des Moines said.  “Anytime I ask my kids if they want to go to the mall, they act sick and even hide.  The mall I own hasn’t had a car parked in the parking lot for ages.”  

Things were looking bleak for the mall business model.  Then Saudi Arabia went into a price war with Russia over oil.

“The price war was a blessing in disguise,” Karen Smith said.  “I’m pretty sure I’ve heard of Russia before. But Saudi Arabia, I couldn’t even tell you where that is.”

The price war caused oil prices to drop to historical lows.  Oil producers were bleeding cash.  “You can’t just turn off an oil well,” oil and gas huckster Ralph Breitbart stated.  “Despite no on flying in planes and driving their cars, oil production has grown in this environment.”

Across the nation the price for a barrel of oil was cheaper than a 77-pack of Natural Light beer.  Even worse, in some basins the price of oil hit negative numbers.  “You had to pay someone to take this oversupplied garbage,” energy short seller ‘Let the Pigs Bleed’ said.

And then someone had the idea of the century…

“We figured out we could store the oil in the empty malls across the nation,” CEO of Whiting Failed said.

The economic benefit of storing oil in empty malls has been tremendous.  Oil companies are crushing it on contango.  And malls are seeing the highest funds from operations they have seen in decades. 

“My mall is at 100% occupancy,” Karen Smith said.  “We haven’t seen 100% occupancy since the late 1980s.  We have even started storing oil our desolate parking lots.”

Energy stocks have rallied on this news hitting all time highs for the past hour.  Mall’s are at all-time highs of 1.0x 2030 Adjusted Adjusted EBITDA (yes two adjustments). 

Silicon Valley already wants a piece of this action.  There are reported to have been over 10,000 LLCs filed in the past five minutes with the name variation of “Oil Malls of America”.

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