Hedge fund hires Rupert the llama to pick stocks


Wall Street – Top Wall Street Hedge Fund, BlueSky Capital Partners, recently hired a llama to pick stocks for them.  Yes, all the booze you drank to cope with the current economic downturn did not cloud your brain. You read that right. BlueSky Capital Partners hired an actual llama to find great stock ideas.  

“You wouldn’t believe it if I told you,” portfolio manager David Lewis of BlueSky Capital Partners said.  “That llama has some serious stock picking skills.”

BlueSky Capital Partners brought on Rupert, the llama during the worst economic downturn since the Great Recession.

“It was a miracle we found Rupert,” David Lewis stated rubbing his 5 o’clock shadow.  “Rupert has made BlueSky Capital Partners a tremendous amount of money in a short period of time.”

Rupert the llama was an unexpected hire.  Rupert doesn’t’ come from a prestigious business school.  Rupert doesn’t have a CFA.  Rupert has never even been to New York City.  And Rupert can’t even speak any language known to man.  Rupert is a llama plain and simple.

“I took my three daughters to a farm in upstate New York one weekend,” David Lewis told us.  “That weekend is when I met Rupert.”

Rupert grew up on a small apple orchard in upstate New York.  His mother was a llama and his father – well Rupert never met his father.

“My daughters were picking apples when suddenly I heard and awful noise coming from behind me.  When I turned around this brown and black llama was staring directly into my eyes.”

Rupert and David hit it off immediately. 

“I started petting Rupert’s neck and I swore Rupert told me to short the entire Canadian Energy sector.  I immediately called  my head trader and put the order in.”

A few weeks later the entire Canadian Energy sector collapsed, and Rupert was offered a job as an equity analyst.

“Rupert has made some incredible calls for us.  We are up over 1,000% for the first quarter.”

Rupert spends most of his day eating organic grass grown in a free-range field at his standup desk in lower Manhattan.  Next to Rupert’s desk is a wooden bucket Rupert spits in.

“We had to hire a janitor to come in three times a day to empty Rupert’s spittin’ bucket,” an associate at BlueSky told us.

Rupert’s main job is picking a hot trade for a week.  When BlueSky Capital Partners needs a stock pick, the team will go over and rub Rupert’s neck. 

“I’ve found that rubbing Rupert’s neck gets you the best stock ideas.  That llama loves his neck rubbed.”

When Rupert talks in his llama language the team tries to decipher what was said.

“I swear Rupert told us that he knows what the next Amazon will be,” an unnamed research analyst at BlueSky Capital Partners said.  “I already know what that is because I have been reading the Motley Fool.”

While most hedge funds have seen net redemptions, BlueSky Capital Partners has grown six-fold.

“We plan to hire a whole team of these llamas.” In fact, BlueSky Capital Partners has plans to bring on 15 additional llamas.

“Llamas are damn good stock pickers,” said David Lewis.  “I plan to fire all of these useless MBAs and open shop on a llama farm. 

Rupert was recently named partner at BlueSky Capital Partners. When Rupert isn’t stock picking he is writing.  Currently Rupert is working on a future best-selling novel, The Intelligent Llama.  The book is set to be released this summer.

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