Hertz Issues Hostile Takeover Bid For Tesla

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Hertz, the bankrupt car rental company, has been accumulating shares of Tesla, according to a filing. Sources at the company indicate they originally intended to flip the shares for a profit, but are now considering a hostile takeover.

“Quite frankly, we’re sick of the cars coming back,” said Al Alberts, spokesman for Hertz. “I just want to send them away permanently, like the end of White Fang. It’s for their own good, considering what we charge for gas.”

The plan originated at Jefferies financial group, which is currently underwriting an equity offering for the bankrupt Hertz.

“We figured, why stop there?” said a spokesman for Jefferies. “What’s more legendary than underwriting shares for a company in Chapter 11? Someone suggested taking over Ford, but then an intern looked up from his phone and was like, why not Tesla?”

The intern will replace Musk as CEO of the new venture. Jefferies will partner with Robinhood to source funds for the LBO.

“Users will be able to underwrite the takeover,” said Frank Fortwunny, spokesman for Robinhood. “We’re pre-selling shares in a company that doesn’t exist, so a company that barely exists can buy a company that mostly exists on Twitter. It’s postmodern finance.”

Robinhood plans to underwrite more LBO’s in the future.

“Why shouldn’t regular people benefit from dividend recaps, moving IP offshore, selling the physical assets, and then declaring bankruptcy on whatever’s left? I mean, in the dream scenario, a guy makes more money getting laid off than he ever did working for the company. That’s capitalism, baby. This is America!”

Asked for comment, Elon Musk just tweeted “lol stonks”.



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