House Dems Unveil $Infinity Plus 1 Coronavirus Relief Bill

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A bill bolder than the Emancipation Proclamation, grander than the Louisiana Purchase, and foreseeably more game changing than the Magna Carter has been unveiled by House Democrats. Nicknamed “God Mode” by its supporters, the bill grew from a classic Congressional school yard shouting match into a full-on economic hurricane of reality splitting emissions.

Reports from inside of Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s inner circle have indicated her disgust when Republicans proposed the initial relief bill with one-time $1,200 direct payments before she could bribe the public with their own money. Screeching behind a fresh face lift and closed doors Congressional pages reported hearing the Speaker cry, “Free stuff is our thing!” in the early efforts to bring economic relief to Americans.

The first retaliation came when Senate Democrats proposed a bill guaranteeing $2,000 a month to every citizen even when the pandemic ends. Senate Minority leader Chuck Schumer had this to say about this proposal, “$2,000 a month sends a clear signal to the American people about who is in control of their lives: Us”.

Republicans scrambled to reconcile the shockingly reckless proposal. Concerns about how in 3 months the money spent would be greater than the entire Defense Budget, would almost certainly cause hyperinflation, and guarantee a national debt that would outlive the nation itself were all ignored when house Minority leader Kevin McCarthy tore his shirt off and punched his fist through his Congressional desk shouting “Make it $10,000 a month! Who cares about the people? Republicans!”

The back and forth escalated exponentially. Capitol Hill security guard known only as “Buck” watched for several days as aids, staffers, pages, lobbyists, and various other lowlife DC urchins went on a full-frontal assault to “care about the American people”. There were rumors of “free ice cream Tuesday”, “Everyone gets a pony”, “Mandatory ‘ladies of the night’”, “Descanting the insalubrious!”, and other radical slogans. When asked what his impressions of the spectacle were Buck had this to say,

“Well, I normally just guard this statue of James Madison, (points to an open space in the rotunda), so I’m not really a politics guy. Then again, it’s tough not to be in this town. I guess Congress is working? Maybe that’s good. When does baseball start?”

The final moment leading to the “God Mode” bill was witnessed by several reporters. The ideas were running thin, desperation was in the air, and lunacy was running high. A broken and befuddled Rand Paul wiped sweat like drops of blood from his brow and muttered a phrase that will live in infamy. In what was supposed to be a joke he said,  

“Why not just make it for ‘infinity dollars’ if we are going to make up numbers?”

He smiled lightly but his Democrat colleagues looked at him with wide eyes. Then Senator Bernie Sanders shot his hands in the air and proclaimed as loud as he could,

“INFINITY PLUS 1! INFINITY PLUS 1! CALL NANCY WE WON!”

He rushed out of the room and was followed by other Democrats as they stuck their tongues out at the defeated Republicans.

Now it is just a matter of time for the bill to pass in both houses, the President’s signature to make it law, and we can usher in the utopia.

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