Recently sworn in Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen has issued an unprecedented new lockdown order. To preserve the nation and Secretary Yellen’s ability to collect “speaking fees” from major hedge funds such as Citadel, Secretary Janet Yellen has announced that retail traders, colloquially known as ‘dumb money’ aka non-Harvard MBAs, will be restricted to one stock transaction per month. Also, options trading will be limited to only verified investors with a net worth greater than $10 million. Outraged Robinhood investors have responded from their basements with a hunger strike in response to these limitations on financial services.
The hunger strike has caused a drastic drop in chicken, soy oil and flour commodities; the key ingredients that comprise the main fuel source of retail investors: Tendies. Stocks for Tyson Foods $TSN are in freefall as the CEO has announced tendies consumption has collapsed to levels not seen since before the invention of the TV dinner. While the US surgeon general expressed his view that a diet might not be the worst thing for many of these sausage fingered retail investors, the long-term consequences for many in the supply chain of tendies manufacturing are sure to devastating.
Failed 2004 Presidential Candidate, John Kerry, has responded that displaced tendies workers will be able to find other jobs. The hot dog water industry, for example, was suggested by Mr. Kerry as a growing industry and an alternative to tendies manufacturing. When further questioned by reporters on the number of consumers of said hot dog water Kerry replied, “I’ve heard great things from the many fine people of this nation that hot dog water is both delicious and nutritious. I have not had the privilege myself to consume such water, but I do frequently imbibe in rose water, and hot dogs and roses are both pink, so I’d imagine they are quite similar.”
While there are many speculators prophesying the consequences of these new regulations on retail trading, one thing that is for sure is a strife has been created between two generations. One generation, born in the 40’s, when vacuum tubes were the norm and being a shoes salesman could support a family of 4. This juxtaposed against a generation often cast as lazy and entitled but, in reality, has faced numerous recessions and literal lockdowns that prevented people from working. Could you even imagine going back in time to The Greatest Generation and telling one of those stoic losers they could not work their livelihood? Fairly sure that would have you ending up with two black eyes a sore jaw.
Maybe it is time for many of thodr born in the ‘Silent Generation’ to get a clue and go the way the name suggests. Just a thought. Having people in charge that likely didn’t own a computer until their 40’s or 50’s may not be the brightest strategy in this day and age of big tech and digital trading. The internet after all is more than just a series of tubes.