President Trump announced Monday that he’s reached a deal with House Democrats for the next U.S. stimulus package.
Rather than distribute $1,200 cash to all U.S. citizens – enough for the average family to live on for 10 weeks, as Treasury Secretary Mnuchin gracefully explained – Congress has decided instead to assign a share of Tesla, Inc. (TSLA) to each U.S. household.
The President remarked that the plan was “genius” and the “fastest way to get stonks in the hands of everyday Americans.”
Speaker Pelosi, in a rare moment of clarity, explained the move. “It is quite simply more likely for a share of TSLA stock to go further for everyday Americans than an equivalent amount of U.S. dollars. I applaud Fed chair Powell for championing this revolutionary idea.”
When asked how American families would be able to pay for basic necessities with a share of TSLA, Pelosi donned sunglasses and clapped sarcastically, much to the celebration of the liberal mainstream media. No further questions were asked.
Naturally, TSLA shares will need to undergo a stock split to ensure all Americans can access the equity. Chairman Powell made a rare off-schedule remark to demonstrate how this unique split will work.
“The Fed’s plan to support this stimulus is to print 128.58 million shares of TSLA – enough to accommodate each U.S. household – for distribution.
Once those shares are placed in Americans’ now-mandatory Robinhood accounts at a cost basis of $1,327 per share, the free market will decide what those shares are worth. Our consul David Portnoy has assured us that since stonks only go up, citizens should experience rapid value appreciation in these shares the moment the split takes place.”
Several critics panned the move, noting the liquidity issues associated with doubling the share float of a highly volatile stock. Those critics were gently reminded that the old rules are no longer in play, and that they should shut their goddamn mouths.
Tesla CEO Elon Musk, normally keen to publicly discuss matters involving his company’s stock price, declined to comment for this story.