Peter Schiff Ousts Other Wise Men For Gold Business


JERUSALEM – Peter Schiff, an ancient fossil best known for being wrong about gold predictions for years on end, made an aggressive move this week to ouster his partners from their gold business. Known as “The Three Wise Men”, the company has traditionally been a supplier to the gold, frankincense and myrrh markets. Schiff has been the most public figure of the three partners with his incessant shilling of gold, ever since the bottom fell out of the frankincense and myrrh markets 1,500 years ago.

When reached for comment regarding the takeover, Schiff stated, “These other two guys I partner with have literally been dead for 2,000 years. I felt it was time that I took over. I’m currently in negotiations with a millennial run investment fund to sell off the frankincense and myrrh side of the business to them. Once they are able to successfully exit their billion dollar USO position they took a few weeks ago, we should close quickly.”

Given the current state of the economy, people are looking for a safe haven and look to gold experts like Schiff. He said, “With the price of gold now creeping up, there’s now a lot more scammers than just me looking to exploit these boomers that think the world is ending.”

Schiff continued, “But I’ve been getting a ton of competition from those Bitcoin guys. I have to tip my hat to them. They really came up with the ultimate scam. I have a ton of operating expenses dealing with the storage and shipping of physical gold. They came up with another arbitrary object of value that doesn’t even physically exist! It’s really genius when you think about it.”

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