Private Equity, Hell
Image by Leandro De Carvalho from Pixabay

A private equity firm has opened a hellmouth in its basement, according to sources.

“I’ve never met a real demon,” said a principal at the firm, “but I’ve always wondered how I would measure up.”

The firm hopes to use the hellmouth to raise fresh capital by selling the souls of its employees to Satan.

“On earth, the soul is an idle asset,” said a spokesman for the firm. “But Satan offers the ability to realize cash value immediately. It’s basic astral-plane arbitrage.”

Chug’thall, a demon who brokers souls at the mouth, sees this as the beginning of a wider strategic partnership.

“First, I’d like to thank the devil for allowing me to open this franchise. All praise to the dark one. But yes, certainly we have more to offer. Demon consultants can squeeze inefficiencies – like free will, empathy, and bargaining – out of the supply chain, until the only remaining labor cost is actual chains.”

Was Chug’thall happy making markets for souls?

“First of all, a demon is never ‘happy’. But I take satisfaction from a job well done. I can afford a cottage on a lake of fire, and I can send my spawn to private school. We do well.”