Private Prisons
Prison cells sit empty following announced surrender in the War on Drugs®

The GEO Group (NYSE: GEO) and CoreCivic (NYSE: CXW) futures sank 8.5% and 11% respectively following the surprise declaration of surrender issued Wednesday from the United States in the 49-year War on Drugs®. Secondary beneficiaries of the forced prison labor supply, McDonalds (NYSE: MCD) and Walmart (NYSE: WMT), also saw their shares take a hit as investors worried that non-violent drug offenders would no longer be forced to work for inhumane wages.

“It’s difficult to overstate how important drug charges, especially in minority communities, are towards developing the prison labor workforce,” said Zacks Analyst Elizabeth Maya. “Without a steady stream of non-violent offenders, I’m afraid the entire U.S. forced labor industry will be unable to meet forecasted production.”

America’s longest standing war with a vague concept came to an abrupt halt Wednesday evening when Secretary of Defense, Chris Miller, announced and signed the American Instrument of Surrender, formally ending hostilities with the scapegoat.

“We started this war for all the right reasons: disenfranchisement of minorities, re-instituting de facto slavery, and supporting the hardworking investors in the prison industrial complex,” stated Secretary Miller during his prepared remarks. “However, it is long time that we accept the reality that drugs have won the war.”

During a Q&A session following the announcement, Secretary Miller was asked what was being done to protect the shareholders affected by this move.

“While we are all saddened by this outcome, the Pentagon recognizes that shareholders will be hit the hardest by this news. We trust that congress is diligently working on a bailout plan to help keep businesses whole during this trying time.”

When asked about support for non-violent drug offenders being released under the terms of the surrender Secretary Miller scoffed, stating that “it is not the purview of the Pentagon, nor the Federal Government to ensure the right to life or liberty to its people. What, next you will be asking if we should be providing a means for these people to pursue their own happiness? I think not!”