Robinhood Introduces Adderollars Loyalty Program

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MENLO PARK – In an effort to attract more millennial users, Robinhood announced a new loyalty program called Adderollars. The program lets users apply earned rewards towards issues that will require leaning in to move the needle on social justice at the point of intersectionality of race, class and the 14,000 documented genders.

The loyalty program will be based on an escalating reward system where users can earn Adderollars, a cryptocurrency that is based on the running total of Adderall pills consumed by millennials.

  • Mocha Soy Latte Level – Earn 50 Adderollars when you refer a friend from Twitter that you’ll never meet and don’t even know their real name.
  • Organic Micro Greens Level – Earn 100 Adderollars when you buy a stock from a company that is either a coffee shop, bike shop, beard oil manufacturer or organic grocer.
  • Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Level – Earn 200 Adderollars when you buy stock of a company that announces it is filing for bankruptcy in the next week.
  • Beta Weakling Bonus – Automatically earn 5% more Adderollars if you can’t bench press your girlfriend’s weight.

Some of the reward items that will be available include: carbon credits to offset Elon Musk’s jet fuel usage, donations to Bernie Sander’s 4th home purchase, and signed copy of Grow With The Flow by Pink Petro’s Katie Mehnert (personalized +50 Adderollars).

*Program requirements: Loyalty program requires enrollment in the Democratic Socialists of America and your pledge to vote for the Democratic presidential candidate no matter how much his brain has rotted into a pile of mush or how many sexual harassment allegations are made against him.

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