Wall Street – BMO sell side analyst, Jared Lewis, went from being cautiously optimistic to recklessly optimistic for this afternoons update on the consumer product industry Jared covers. “There is no rhyme or reason to this decision,” Jared stated. “I’m kind of just sick of this sell side terminology and looking to change things up a bit.”
For the past fifteen years Jared Lewis has been cautiously optimistic on all twenty companies he covers. “I could be super bullish on this one stock but according to sell side rules I pretty much have to be cautiously optimistic on everything. I was pretty fed up with all this mumbo jumbo jargon, so I started my own lingo.”
Suddenly all the stocks Jared Lewis was bullish on went from being cautiously optimistic to recklessly optimistic. “You should have seen my phone line blow up that day,” Jared said laughing. “Those idiot buyside analysts had no idea what hit them. What is funny was the faces of the executives in our Zoom meeting who stocks I was bearish on.”
For stocks Jared was bearish on he assigned these securities as ‘irresponsibility pessimistic’. “The sight of their faces was priceless when they realized I assigned their garbage company as irresponsibility pessimistic. They were completely enraged.”
Jared did not stop there. Instead of asking executives the typical transition question “can you provide some color” Jared instead said “can you cast the chroma on the undertone of…”
“I’m going to turn this industry on top of its head,” Jared said. “I’m quite sick of hearing can you provide some color, laser focused and cautiously optimistic five hundred times a day. I’m ready for executives to say they are focused like a squirrel trying to get a nut than that stupid laser focused saying everyone says when they are about to blow their company up.”
