Taliban Military

Taliban leaders have just released news that they have set up a lost and found to aid Joe Biden in finding the billions of dollars’ worth of military equipment left behind in Afghanistan.

A spokesperson for the Taliban’s new lost and found division, Morhgoatdik Inma’assie, has provided details at a recent Taliban community outreach and beheading event. Reporters were told that the Taliban feel indebted to Joe Biden due to his excellent planning and leadership in the surrender of Afghanistan to the Islamic militants.

Mr. Inma’assie insisted that President Biden was nearly a prophet in the eyes of the Taliban second only to Allah and the Prophet Muhammad himself.  He elaborated, “Who else’s wise military leadership could have so swiftly led Afghanistan back into Islamic control other than the Prophet Muhammad himself (peace be upon him). The Americans spent 20 years trying to impose the evil sins of democracy but under the experienced leadership of Joe Biden all that was erased in a few days. It is though we have truly witnessed a miracle before our eyes.”

The Biden administration has called on the American people to support the Taliban’s new lost and found initiative. In a recent press conference White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki noted these “austere religious scholars” have pledged to tackle climate change and ensure a more egalitarian approach to law and order.

While this might lead to a few gays being thrown off roofs or even hung from an American helicopter or two, like all true progress, you got to crack some eggs if you want to make an omelet. Some members of congress have expressed their outrage over the withdraw from Afghanistan, but Biden has reminded steadfast in his convictions and planning.

Commenting on the matter Biden said “President Trump was in office for 40 years, uh no I meant he was number 45, no, no, wait, he was in office for 4 years! And during those 5 years Trump was in office he never set up a lost and found with the Taliban, he never cured Covid, and he didn’t save you $0.16 on your 4th of July BBQ. Why Trump never even found those weapons of mass destruction he promised the good folks of America he would find. What a bunch of malarkey! This whole Afghanistan this is a huge mess I made, ehhh I mean never made, just look at my son Beau. Would you look at him? Would you just look at it?”

Endearing words from out leader certainly has put the American people at ease over the situation. Now with the Taliban safely in control of Afghanistan, Americans have much to look forward to like China retaking control of Taiwan or radical Islam spreading their message of peace around the free world!