Wall Street Analyst

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — I was recently slapping one of my analysts for using his mouse with Excel yet again.  It should be used with a keyboard and keyboard alone.  Back in an older time, some like me, would argue, a better time, you could slap ‘em good and hard right in front of the entire floor — a public hanging.

Things have changed.  I had to bring him to my Executive bathroom to do the deed.

One of the new interns even came in with loafers on last week.  I told him, instantaneously, that he hasn’t earned the right to wear laceless shoes and, again, went for a firm bathroom slap.  I sent him home for the week to think about what he did.

What’s been really bothering me recently (apart from my incompetent, flaccid staff)? One of my Vice Presidents, Javier Diaz.  I told him that I had a deadline to “make the slides look sexier, suaver” for an investment presentation today. He worked through the entire weekend on it.  It wasn’t good enough, as expected.

I told him, “crap work, yet again, but you know what’s crappier?  Your stench right now. Go home, Jav.” He didn’t shower in three days and it showed.

There is no sex in the sell-side. Not a hottie in sight. I’ve been applying to private equity roles, but they, as they should, hate Goldman suits.  My next move? Probably jump into traffic.

by Sir Clarkson, Managing Director, Wall Street Analysts