BIRMINGHAM, AL- As Trump took the podium during his Birmingham rally, he announced to Alabama locals, “Based on the number of national championships and first-round draft picks this conference has produced, the Southeastern Conference has demonstrated the aptitude to overtake the duties of the Security and Exchanges Commission!”
According to sources closest to President Trump, he had been working under the assumption that the Southeastern Conference had been performing these duties since the beginning of his term in office.
An anonymous source said, “Whenever we brought up insider trading he just told us, “We’re good we cover that at ‘Bama vs. LSU every year.”
When asked for comment, Southeastern Conference Commissioner Greg Sankey said, “I think it’s very apparent based on our defensive acumen in the bowl games this past year, we can defend against anything. Even mail fraud.”
Some of the new policies instituted by new leadership will include a new list of punishments including, but not limited to, verbal thrashings from Nick Saban, a wrestling match with Ed Orgeron, and the convicted parties betting all their assets on Georgia to win a big game.