Trump, reverse stock split
Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

WASHINGTON – In an effort to celebrate the Fourth of July, President Trump floated the idea of a 243-for-1 reverse stock split of the entire S&P 500.  “The great country of the United States will be 243 years-old on Saturday,” President Trump stated.  “To celebrate this great and wonderful country I plan to implement a 243-for-1 reverse stock split of the S&P 500.”

A reverse stock split is an action typically taken on by corporations which reduces the number of existing shares into fewer shares, often resulting in a higher share price.  As an example, in Trump’s proposal, for every 243 shares of the S&P 500 you own will be consolidated into one share.

“This huge action will result in a higher price for the S&P 500, meaning more money in your 409K’s,” Trump continued.  “Happy birthday American.  You can thank me now.”

Robinhood traders continued to push valuations higher as these pajamas traders don’t fully comprehend the mechanics of the stock market.  A lone value investor was seen dead on the road, getting picked apart by vultures.  Helicopters continued to drop money from the sky as short sellers ran for cover.