KEYSTONE, SOUTH DAKOTA – On Wednesday afternoon at a press conference President Trump unveiled that the U.S. will begin selling advertising space on Mount Rushmore.
“We will begin to advertise the great stocks that only go up on Mount Rushmore,” Trump stated. “This will get more people interested in stocks resulting in higher stock prices.”
President Trump also unveiled that a giant stock ticker tape will be installed at the top of Mount Rushmore, only showing stocks that go up.
“When you go to Mount Rushmore the first thing you will see is stocks! Stocks, Stocks, Stocks! In fact, the only way to get into Mount Rushmore now is to buy a stock.”
A crowd of toothless South Dakotians chanted “stocks only go up” as the Facebook logo was installed across Lincoln’s face. One single mother sold her child to the black market so she could continue buying naked SPY calls. A group of ten year-old Robinhood traders stole their parents credit cards to invest in bankrupt stocks.
“Stocks only go up!” Trump shouted standing on the nose of George Washington while pumping his fist. “Anyone caught selling a stock will be publicly executed. In fact, I have instructed brokers to remove the sell button from their platforms.”
In other news, short sellers across the nation continue to die in droves as the Fed’s war against short sellers rages on.