Although unemployment has been known to wreak havoc on most of us, and is generally seen as one of life’s greatest adversities, this unemployed graduate wants to formally thank the social media giant TikTok for his recent success trading stocks.
“After watching straight dime pieces shake their cabooses for hours on end every day, I realized that there had to be more to life than just the pleasure of ogling a nice hiney. Some dude was preaching all these technical terms with all these fancy glowing charts of green, I knew I had to get involved.” Says Alfred Meyer, a recent graduate of his state’s university.
Robinhood recently added tons of users in 2020, many of whom have presumably lost more than just their stimulus checks. This whiz kid is cracking the code and believes that he has found the secret of triumphing the stock market, and it lies within a supposed Chinese spying ploy.
“The beauty of TikTok is that the algorithm will adjust itself based on how long you watch certain videos, and the individual videos that you â€˜like’. After a brief period of adjusting my “For You” page to digress from bad chicks twerking and getting freaky, to videos regarding pumping stocks, I was surrounded by real masters with a wealth of knowledge.”
These clips offer short tidbits of information surrounding certain high volume stocks, says Meyer. They’re the perfect amount of information in such a short amount of time to accommodate his short attention span, he claims. Meyer has adjusted his portfolio to strictly trade stocks pumped by the real finance savant TikTok-ers such as @yoursistersfavoritetrader, @autistictrader, and @ieatchartsforbreakfast.
“I owe my life to these guys. I don’t know where I’d be without TikTok. I never thought that an app that originally gave me so much pleasure and fulfillment would serve me an illustrious life full of wealth.