In a shocking display of zero integrity, Warner Bros. announced this afternoon that all 2021 movies will go straight to streaming on OnlyFans next year, skipping the theatrical release window completely. “While our theatre partners are passed out bleeding all over the floor we decided to kick them in the nuts and pop a loaded hand grenade in their mouth,” Jason Kilar, CEO of Warner Bros. stated.
The U.S. theatre industry is one of the hardest hit sectors from the COVID-19 pandemic. “Individuals are just not going to the movies,” Andy Swan, media analyst stated. “They’d rather stay home and watch women take off their clothes on OnlyFans than watch the 80th remake of Batman.”
To combat the trend of eyeballs going to hogs, hammers and cones, Warner Bros. became an innovator and used the most popular content medium in 2020, OnlyFans. “Pay us $15 bucks per month and you can watch all the blockbusters you want on OnlyFans,” Kilar stated.
To drive subscribers Warner Bros. is partnering with popular OnlyFan content creators to double up on deals. For an example, if you subscribe to BigLadyNips69, you can get half off on your Warner Bros. subscription for the next 12 months.
Theatre stocks crashed and burned to the ground on news of this announcement. However, analysts speculate that AMC will launch a competing business where individuals can rent an entire theatre to watch their favorite OnlyFans content creator on the big screen. Insiders close to AMC say it will be a huge game changer.